


hold my hand

by ChuganiiMogi



Series: Bandori but with problems [5]
Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: (But really not), Angst, Atelophobia, Chisato-centric, Established Relationship, F/F, Fear of Imperfection, Insecurity, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV will switch in second chapter, Shyness, anxiety attack, doubts, heavily inspired, tags will change, unrequited feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-08
Updated: 2020-02-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:00:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22608919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChuganiiMogi/pseuds/ChuganiiMogi
Summary: Aya wouldn't look her in the eyes, not anymore.Chisato hated it.
Relationships: Maruyama Aya/Shirasagi Chisato
Series: Bandori but with problems [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1412539
Kudos: 48





	hold my hand

**Author's Note:**

> First two-shot. The reason I normally only post within one-shot is because I can never commit to writing multi-chaps and end up with unfinished work. This is my exception because this is - suffice to say - a very unsatisfying work in which I feel like I need a follow-up to it because Chisato and Aya deserve better than this junk. 
> 
> I feel like the ending and writing to this is overall and not to mention there's this really awkward tension going on in this chapter. It's either because my writing style is once again changing, or my desperate attempts at writing using UK english is iffy.
> 
> I was going to scrap this altogether, but I wanted to get this out and commit to finishing a two-shot. (And there's this underlying gut feeling that as an author that even if this is crap, it's good to release it and come back to it eventually) This is mostly like a brain spout and I have no beta-reader but I hope everybody enjoys nonetheless!
> 
> NOTE: This is heavily, heavily inspired base off of a manga one-shot called "Your Love" by Momono Moto. I found it in a Yurihime Wildrose Collection online and I became obsessed with the idea.
> 
> LASTLY!!! I REALIZED I SHOULD'VE PROBABLY ADDED A TW SOONER BUT JUST IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T READ THE TAGS
> 
> TW: Anxiety attack
> 
> Not sure if it's something that's a TW(or if I've done it correctly) but if you are sensitive to this sort of material please skip, which is applicable from when Chisato starts thinking about the maybes a little obsessively. Thank you.

Aya wouldn’t look Chisato in the eyes anymore. Not after the blonde asked her out, at least.

Chisato would be the one asking her out on dates, Chisato would be the one initiating intimate touches - any hand holding, any kiss, any hug.

Even then Aya’s head would be tilted down, her silky pink hair facing Chisato instead of her cute nose and bright, sparkly eyes that made her feel safe and secured. Her hair was beautiful, don’t get her wrong, but Chisato herself would gratefully prefer seeing Aya’s soft features and pretty blush over her downturned head any day.

It was worrisome, honestly.

“Would you like to come over?” Chisato asked as they walked down the pavement to her place in comfortable silence, her gloved hand holding Aya’s after their hard-earned and date in a cozy coffee shop. The colder, but light breezes of Autumn transitioning into Winter kissed at their faces and lightly swished their skirts around, “I want to spend more time with you if that’s okay.”

“Um- yeah, of course!” Aya’s words were projected towards the ground, hair blowing in the wind, her head tilted to the side away from Chisato to make up for not having her curtain of hair covering most of her face.

The blonde furrowed her eyebrows before letting out a quiet exhale of frustration and longing but nothing more.

Her thoughts started to plague her like a disease, questions and - she couldn’t help it - assumptions about Aya’s concerning behaviour for a few months now.

The two ended up in her room, Chisato making her way to her closet, walking out with a few specifically chosen pieces of clothing so that she could make conversation - if not distract and lure the pinkette’s eyes - with Aya who sat down on a cushion where a kotatsu laid and her head irritatingly tipped down towards the tabletop a few feet away.

“You can make yourself at home, they aren’t here today.” The blonde suggested casually at the perfect moment as she stripped off her coat, “I can get the maids to whip up some hot chocolate if you want?”

Aya was a bright student - Chisato herself wouldn’t slink over the fact that it was possible she only agreed to date her because the girl didn’t want any bad blood between the both of them - as band members and classmates. The blonde would just rather not come to that conclusion, even with it lingering in her mind at times.

“It’s okay, we just had some coffee anyways,” She heard Aya say distractedly from behind her as she took off her blouse, glancing behind her. The other girl squeaked and turned away again after Chisato turned, not getting the chance to catch her eye before the Aya flinched.

Maybe it was possible that Aya just didn’t want to reject her out of fear that Chisato would get hurt.

Inhaling deeply, she opted to leave her shirt off, in just her pastel yellow bra and skirt as she took a few steps towards Aya who still hadn’t made herself comfortable, her coat still on and zipped up. She dropped to her knees beside Aya and mumbled softly, “You should take your jacket off too.”

The blonde brushed the soft strands of pink hair back behind her ear as her other hand reached out and tugged her zipper down, appreciating the blushing face and dilated pupils that greeted her, though Aya tried to avoid any eye contact.

Not pushing Aya to do anything she was obviously uncomfortable with, Chisato peeled her jacket off of her, folding and placing the jacket in front of Aya.

She got up and decided to finish changing, feeling hesitant eyes again begin boring into her body.

Chisato turned around as she straightened out the imperfect wrinkles of the simple choice of pyjamas - both her pyjama bottoms and t-shirt her iconic yellow pastel colour and different little sweets scattered around as the design.

“Are you sleeping over?” She asked, her tone of voice just the right amount of caring, as if Aya could run off at any given moment, “I laid out your pyjamas from last time on the bed, you can change if you want.”

Aya nodded and got up, mumbled words of affirmation escaping her lips as she grabbed the clothing off of the bed and retreated into the connected washroom, “I’ll just call my parents and get changed then, shouldn’t be long.”

Biting her tongue from any wrong words that threatened to drabble out of her mouth, Chisato nodded as Aya passed her.

The familiar sound of the door closing shut and the clicking of the lock resounded through the quiet room and there were a few moments of silence. Making sure Aya wouldn’t be back for a good few minutes, Chisato uncharacteristically laid down onto her large bed, stuffing her face into her pillow and let out a muffled groan of long concealed irritation and tightly gripped the pillow, before forcing herself to sit up and into a perfectly relaxed posture.

_Why was this so hard to do?!_

this being confronting Aya about her pressing concerns. She guessed that in the end, she couldn’t help but try to make the relationship last as long as possible, selfishly and desperately hanging onto the possibility that maybe, just maybe, Aya did like her. Which shouldn’t be a case in the first place. She and Aya were already in a relationship, Chisato shouldn’t have to second-guess how Aya felt about her because she accepted the confession, she accepted Chisato’s feelings.

But she was second guessing. And she felt as increasingly helpless as she did when she was a young child. She felt like she was allowing herself to be led down into a world of pain and heartache by the center of her affections. Aya accepted her confession, sure. But did it really mean she reciprocated?

Thoughts swirled around her mind, ideas created by her own uncertainty and doubts and insecurity.

_Maybe Aya really just wasn’t happy with Chisato._  
_Maybe Aya had her eyes set for somebody else._  
_Maybe Aya felt forced into this relationship._  
_Maybe Chisato wasn’t being good enough for Aya._

Her heart throbbed and she felt like the weight of the world was crashing down on her. Her head started to hurt and she let out a shaky breath.

Chisato didn’t realize she had her head resting on her knees as her legs curled and rocked back and forth until she heard Aya’s panicked voice.

“Chisato?!” She heard but couldn’t respond as Aya worriedly lifted Chisato’s head and held her face in her hands, “Hey now, you need to talk to me.”

It all felt like an out of body experience, she could see and hear and knew she was being touched but couldn’t see and hear and feel at the same time. Her eyes blearily looked into Aya’s and she realized the phantom sensation of wetness that coated her cheeks. She also heard muffled sounds of heavy breathing and tiny whimpers. It was all weird and surreal.

Then she realized Aya, who was looking at her with wide, tear-filled eyes and her mouth moved, forming words, maybe a sentence. Then it felt like she was slammed back into her own body.

“Chi-Chisato,” Aya shakingly said, rubbing at Chisato’s wet cheeks as Chisato felt herself sob, “You really need to talk to me, please.”

“I-I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine…” Chisato repeated as she shook. Finally snapping out of whatever state she was just in and rubbed at her eyes trying to get rid of the tears that fell and trying to stop shaking. She felt a sensation of pain in her hands even though she didn’t cause any physical damage to them - she guessed her nerves were reacting to her emotional pain later on - and her throat was parched. It didn’t help that the pain started to spread throughout her body.

“It hurts,” Chisato mumbled thoughtfully. She knew she wasn’t just referring to the phantom sensation of physical pain. She scratched at her hands and Aya immediately grabbed them lightly, stopping her actions.

Chisato surprisingly felt light-headed which helped her gain some footing on the boldness she desired to have earlier.

“I’m tired,” She muttered, partly to avoid the pending conversation they were going to have later and partly because she actually felt exhausted.

“You really need to talk to me later then, okay? First you rest and then we’re going to talk this out, I’m worried about you,” Aya sighed, laying Chisato down into a comfortable position and Chisato realized that Aya only managed to get into half of her pyjamas.

Her eyes trailed tiredly down her girlfriend’s form and she held at the soft hand softly as she mumbled whatever shit came to mind at that moment, “Why are you still with me?”

Aya responded, confusion filling her face, “What?”

“You don’t seem to like me in the romantic way very much right?” Chisato trailed as she felt her eyes droop to a close and her words slurred, “That’s okay, y’know. You didn’t have to pretend to like me for so long. We should talk about it later, though, wanted to for a while actually, but I probably wouldn’t have mentioned it if I didn’t do it now.”

There were a few moments of silence and Chisato wasn’t able to hear the response as she dozed off.


End file.
